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In order to determine the top 10 reasons why people take cruises, I recently commissioned a study by the world-famous research institute, Dave’s Organization for Public International Enquiry (DOPIE).

The brain trust at DOPIE put together a brilliant set of questions which they used to survey more than 2,000 thought-leaders in the U.S., Canada, Venezuela, and North Korea. As usual, the eternal Chairman Kim Jong-Il responded on behalf of all North Koreans. In Venezuela, wannabe President for life Hugo Chavez refused to tell the truth for fear of setting a dangerous precedent. And in Canada, federal Liberal leader Stephane Dion was too busy removing Conservative Puffin poop from his blazer to participate. Otherwise, the findings represent the true opinions of some of the world’s greatest thought leaders.

So for the first time ever, I am proud to present DOPIE’s list of the top 10 reasons why people take cruises:

10 - The swaying motion of the ship increases libido.

9 - What happens at sea, stays at sea.

8 - Great entertainment like the knife-throwing act in rough seas.

7 - Passengers find the vacuum toilets on cruise ships very erotic.

6 - If you lose all your money in the casino, it’s just a short walk to the lifeboats.

5 - People love cute nautical terms like muster, bilge pump and spouse-overboard!

4 - Captain’s party provides one more chance to wear your favorite bridesmaid’s dress.

3 - They never show “Titanic” on movie night.

2 - Never any arguments about who will be the designated driver.

1 - You don’t have to leave the dining room to go whale watching.

That’s it for this year’s DOPIE survey on why people take cruises. Please feel free to add your own favorite reasons for cruising in the comments section – if they’re better than mine, we may offer you a job as the new CEO of DOPIE.

(These are findings of a DOPIE Poll conducted on behalf of Commodore Dave from 01/09 to 10/09 of 2008. A random selection was avoided by inviting Dave’s friends to a party, giving them significant amounts of liquor, and asking them to fill in a survey once they were drunk. The margin of error for a sample this size is +/- 147 percentage points 19 times out of 1 million. For further information about the findings, please contact Elvis.)