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 A number of people sent me the following story that’s been making the rounds for a few years. It’s an oldie, but a goodie, so I decided to update it slightly and share it with all of you. So here we go:

On our last cruise in the Mediterranean, we saw an elderly woman eating alone by the picture window in the grand dining room. She seemed to know everyone on the ship, including the Maitre’ D, waiters, busboys and wine sommeliers who were all making a big fuss over her.

I asked my waiter who she was, and he said all he knew was that she had been on this cruise for the last 6 weeks taking the same trip back to back. We figured she must be some kind of celebrity or maybe even the wife of the cruise line’s President. Since we were curious, we asked the lady if she would join us for martinis in the bar after dinner.

After we’d ordered our drinks, I mentioned we’d heard that she had been on the same cruise for the last 6 weeks. “Yes, that’s true,” she replied. “And I’ve been on cruise ships continuously for the last 5 years.”

I said “I don’t understand. Why would you do that?”

Without missing a beat, the old lady replied “Yes, it’s cheaper than staying in a nursing home and a heck of a lot nicer.”

“What do you mean?” I said.

“Well,” she replied, “a nursing home would cost me a minimum of $200 per day. But with an early booking discount, I can get a great cabin on just about any cruise ship for an average of only $135 per day. That leaves $65 day for incidentals, and here’s what I get:

1. Gratuities cost me only $10 a day.

2. I can have as many as 8 meals a day including room service, main dining room and various buffets.

3. I have as many as 5 swimming pools, 6 hot tubs, and a fully equipped gymnasium with young studs as personal trainers to choose from.

4. They give me free soap, shampoo, conditioner, Kleenex and wonderful entertainment each night.

5. The cruise staff treats me like a customer and not a patient. For an extra $5 in tips, the entire staff is falling all over me to help.

6. I get to meet new people and start new romances every 7 or 14 days, depending on the length of the cruise.

7. If my T.V. needs fixing or my light bulb replaced, the staff fix it immediately with an apology for the inconvenience.

8. I get a beautiful room to myself with clean sheets, towels and fresh ice every day.

9. If I fall in the nursing home and injure myself, I have to deal with the Medicare system and wait in line for treatment for the rest of my life. If I fall and hurt myself on a cruise ship, I will get immediate treatment from a handsome young doctor and the cruise line will upgrade me to a suite for the rest of my life.

10. And the very best is that I’d be stuck in one place in the nursing home, I can choose from cruise ships that travel all over the world including Asia, the Mediterranean, Australia, South America and the Caribbean.”

Well, what the old lady had told us changed my view of retirement.

So when it’s time for me to give up my house and start living in an assisted facility, don’t look for me in a nursing home. I’ll be living aboard a luxury liner doing a world cruise, and saving lots of money to boot. If you want to reach me, just call shore to ship!  

There are new check-in rules for cruise ships departing American waters that many people may not be familiar with, but should know about before booking their next cruise.

The new rules were put into effect in July of 2008 by the U.S. Customs and Border Patrol, and they require all passengers to be checked-in for their cruise a full 90 minutes prior to its departure. This procedure allows the ship to send the passenger manifest (the list of passengers) to the CPB so they can clear the ship for its departure.

In the past, cruise lines set their own “all aboard” times where passengers had to be on the vessel by a certain deadline – usually 60 to 90 minutes before departure. Most passengers arrived well before the deadline, but when a handful arrived late because of bad weather or mechanical problems with their plane, they could usually board the ship right up until its scheduled departure. But no more, mainly thanks to increased security measures in our post 9-11 world.

With the new rules, now you can arrive just a few minutes past your scheduled check-in deadline and be denied boarding even if your ship is sitting at the dock still loading luggage. That’s exactly what happened to four people from Chicago who recently arrived 15 minutes for their cruise with Norwegian Cruise Line from Miami.

The two couples were delayed by bad weather in Chicago, but still arrived a full 75 minutes before their ship was scheduled to depart, but 15 minutes after the CBP imposed deadline. As a result, they were denied boarding, and had to make their own arrangements to meet the ship two days later in its next port of call – at their own expense.

Now if NCL had wanted to, if could have delayed the departure of the ship to let the late arrivers get on board while still meeting CPB requirements. So the ship would have left 15 minutes late, big deal. In fact, if the latecomers had been booked on NCL’s cruise air, they probably would have waited for them as they would have been responsible for getting them to the next port if they didn’t.

However, cruise ships have tight schedules to keep if they are going to get to their scheduled ports of call on time.  There’s also a cost to them for delaying a departure, including higher fuel costs if the ship has to increase its speed to meet its schedule. And frankly, some may not care that much about the plight of just 4 people when there’s another 2,300 people waiting on the ship.

So what can cruise passengers do to limit their downside risk of missing the boat?

- Fly to your departure port the night before, especially during months where you have a greater risk of weather-related flight delays. At the very least, take the earliest morning flight possible the day of the cruise, and plan to get to your departure port five or six hours ahead of time. Airlines have been cutting back on flights, and over-booking planes. The latter might mean you could get bumped from the flight if you don’t have a higher fare or a frequent flyer status with the airline.

- Sign up for the cruise line’s air package. If the cruise line is handling your air arrangements, they are responsible for getting you to the ship. This means they will be more likely to delay the ship’s departure if you are late, or they will take care of getting you to the next port to meet the ship.

- Purchase travel insurance. It won’t get you to the ship any faster, and it won’t guarantee the cruise line will wait for your late plane to arrive. However, it will pay for the added costs of unplanned hotels and air flights to get you on the ship.

Some final advice if you’re running late:

Don’t give up hope of making the ship before it departs. If there are a lot of late arrivals because of a storm, or if enough of the late comers are flying on the cruise line’s air package, the ship might delay its departure to accommodate everyone. So it’s important that you do your best to get to the pier as fast as you can, even if you’re running late.   

It appears that Canadians believe they are more likely to get lovesick than seasick the next time they take a cruise.

At least that’s the findings of a recent survey by Ipsos-Reid and Tripharbour.ca in which 81% of Canadians said that cruise ships are romantic places for a vacation, and 64% agreed that cruising is more exciting than staying in a hotel. Of course, if you’re on the same ship as Dick Cheney or Rosie O’Donnell, all bets are off. In fact, you might as well just put on your flotation device and head for the life boats.

According to the survey, men find cruising to be just as romantic as women do. Now that’s surprising because we all know that most men are just not the romantic types, especially after a decade or so of marriage. I guess the men just assumed they’d be cruising with their football buddies when they agreed it would be a romantic vacation.

While Canadians gave cruise vacations top marks for romance, they also ranked them high for excitement, with 94% saying cruise ships travel to exciting destinations all over the world. When asked to name their favorite destination, 98% of women replied “jewelry stores” while 88% of men said “sports bars.” The other 12% of men chose “Victoria’s Secret” as their most exciting destination.

It may be the salt water, the sea air or just the beautiful sunsets, but apparently there’s something about vacationing on water that brings out the romantic in everyone. For example, cruise ships have become popular places for engagements, weddings, honeymoons, anniversaries and renewal of vows.

In fact, the atmosphere at sea is so romantic that some people get divorced just so they can get married again, and sometimes to several people. This fact has not escaped the attention of polygamists who are planning to launch their own cruise ship – apparently it will be called “Bigamist of the Seas.”  

But seriously, with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I can’t think of a better way to show your main squeeze how much you love her than to give her a cruise. That is, of course, unless you actually take it with her!

Most people are familiar with the frequent flyer programs that are available from most airlines. These programs have been around for a long time, and while some are more generous than others, they basically all offer points for miles traveled, and the ability to cash in those points for free or reduced cost flights, and other items.

In the marketing industry, these types of schemes are called loyalty programs, and their value has not escaped the attention of the cruise industry. In fact, most of the major lines now have their own loyalty programs, and the benefits range from small perks like discounted dry cleaning, free internet time and complimentary cocktail parties, to major incentives like free maritime telephone service, complimentary shore excursions and even free cruises.

Whose got the most generous frequent cruiser program and how can you take advantage of it? Well, like most competing loyalty programs, it’s difficult to make comparisons among the frequent cruiser programs because they rarely offer the same benefits. However, there are a number of worthwhile perks in several cruise loyalty programs that are worth highlighting as follows:

Princess Cruises has 3 benefit levels of benefits known as gold, platinum and elite that take effect after 1, 5 and 15 cruises respectively. The biggest perks are discounted internet service starting at the platinum level, and complimentary dry cleaning service, priority tender embarkation and 10% discounts in the onboard boutiques at the elite level.

Crystal Cruises has 22 levels of benefits that start after 2 cruises and top out at 100 voyages. The juicy benefits start after 10 cruises with a 2 category cabin upgrade and a$150 shipboard credit. After 30 cruises, guests qualify for a free 7-day cruise, and after 70 cruises, a free 12-day cruise.

Cunard Cruise Line offers 4 levels of frequent cruiser perks called silver, gold, platinum and diamond. After seven voyages or 70 days at sea, the platinum level provides for priority check in, 2 hours of complimentary internet time, a 20% discount on dry cleaning, and an invitation to a party with senior officers.

Regent Seven Seas Cruises has 5 levels of benefits they call bronze (4 cruises or 20 days at sea), silver (21 cruises or 74 days), gold (75 cruises or 199 days), platinum (200 cruises or 399 days) and titanium (400 or more days). The best benefits start to kick in at the silver level with free internet service, one free hour of phone time, and invitations to exclusive events in selected ports of call. At the titanium level, there’s also free dry cleaning, seven hours of free phone service, and complimentary transfers to and from home to the pier or from the airport to the pier.

Royal Caribbean International has 4 perquisite levels called gold, platinum, diamond and diamond plus, which kick in after 1, 5, 10 and 24 cruises respectively. The best benefits start at the diamond level with priority departure from the ship and access to the concierge lounge on ships that have one (complimentary food and alcohol during certain hours).

Norwegian Cruise Line also uses a list of precious metals as their tiers of frequent cruiser benefits. The top level called platinum kicks in after 14 cruises and provides priority restaurant reservations, priority tender tickets, an invitation to the Captain’s cocktail party and a complimentary dinner in the Le Bistro alternative restaurant.

A number of other cruise lines including Holland America and Celebrity also offer frequent cruiser programs, but their benefits are similar to the ones mentioned here with the exception of Crystal. Out of all the frequent cruiser programs, Crystal appears to be more generous because it gives loyal passengers the opportunity to earn free cruises. While I like free phone service, discounted internet and complimentary cocktails, I think Crystal comes closest to the best frequent flyer programs by giving the ultimate reward for my loyalty – an opportunity to cruise with them again for free! But whatever the level of benefits, it clearly pays to sail with a cruise line that rewards loyalty.

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